Monthly Archives: October 2011

The Girls Are Talking

What is it about negative gossip that intrigues people? Most commonly women. Even if a woman is happy at her job, has her own place, car, money, good hair, good man, and good friends, is it so hard to be happy for another woman with the same things going for her? It seems some women think she has to be the only one out of all her friends doing well, otherwise she doesn’t feel as good about it.

One thing that I find nearly impossible is seeing a woman happy for another woman that has a great relationship.

I noticed when I have something good to say about a guy I’m dating, there’s acknowledgment on what I say, but not a whole lot. That conversation ends in maybe two minutes. Oh, but let me tell her about how crazy I found out he was. Yea, we’ll be talking about that all night. She’ll enjoy that conversation. Why is that?

I have only a few friends (and I like it that way), but I know who I can share certain things with. I try to just stick to light topics with them and ignore the negative comments because some people just don’t know how to be happy for others. Don’t share all your business with every person unless you’re ready to hear every opinion.

If someone never has anything good to say about your relationships don’t let them in the loop. Trouble is promised at some point along the way in a relationship, don’t add any more by letting gloomy, jealous people fill your ears with junk. It’s not always what they say, it’s mostly in the vibe they give off. Keep the rain away from your parade.

If you let them rant and rave on, most likely they will, and most importantly make your own decisions. You are the one that has to live with that decision when it’s all said and done. If you’re in need of some beneficial advise, talk to someone with life experience; someone who actually has a successful relationship. You may have that one friend with a good head on their shoulders, but remember YOU REAP THE OUTCOME.

Just a note:

If you can find more negative in things around you than positive, it’s not that your’e surrounded by negative things, you just look at the glass half empty. This is how you can tell you may be too negative:

  • Complaining. There is never a time where complaining is justified. Don’t think so? Name one.
  • Mind is always turned towards noticing flaws in everything (he has a car but it’s not new enough, his job doesn’t pay enough, his apartment is too, this, too that, too something)
  • Small things ruin your day. You’re day is ruined because he didn’t send you a “good morning” text? Don’t get mad at things you can’t control.
  • If someone suggests something you’re really quick to point out why it won’t work or why it’s a bad idea .
  • If you see a flaw in something, you just have to speak up and say something about it. You feel a little rush, like you’re winning points, when you do this.
  • “But” is a big part of your vocabulary. “Yea he’s nice, but..” I know, but…” “I see what you’re saying, but…”
  • You expect/anticipate bad things happening. When something bad happens you have a  “I knew this would happen” attitude.
  • You bond well with other negative people or try to get others to feel bad with you. (Misery loves company)
  • Anything could be going well, but you can always find any reason why it won’t work out.
  • You think positive people are naive and are impressed too easily.
  • You’re in denial about everything you just read.
Most people do these things without even knowing it so identify who they are for yourself and keep them in a certain distance.

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First Date Pep Talk

When it comes to dating, ladies, a man will think one of three ways about us depending on how smooth the first date went: It could be 1.) “Man, I need to call her back”.  2.) “I’m never meeting girls on facebook again”, or 3.) (confused face) “………..Who?”. Whether a good impression, bad impression or no impression at all, the first date is the one time he’ll listen to you!So be careful what you talk about on the date. Some things seem obvious with common sense, but you’d be surprised how many people bring up over the top, out of line, pushy topics that scare people away. Maybe it’s nerves or something? So lets have a little pep talk. Don’t make any of these your first impression:

1.) Expecting a five star meal.

-Ladies, we have to take the blame for this. You know what we think ” I want to see how much he values me”. Honestly, it’s a FIRST DATE. Would you want to spend 35 dollars on a salad for someone you don’t even know if you’ll see again? If you expect high quality, five star treatment on the first date, he’ll be expecting a particular “thank you” at the end of the date (umkaaay). It’s like you want the TLC before he even knows you, why wouldn’t he expect that from you? Be cool with some place casual unless he offers otherwise. If he has any decency, he’ll know not to take you somewhere TOO casual (i.e. Micky D’s).

2.) 21 questions? “????” “???????” “?????????”

-You are not a CSI agent, and he is not being held for questioning. Stop it. Making a guy feel uncomfortable by asking too many questions gives him permission to never call you again. Let the conversation flow. Plus you want him to get to know you, too.

3.) Bad mouthing ex’s

-We can all turn a conversation about an ex into an Oprah show and tell you everything about how “he did me wrong”. Save that for your homegirls, and spare your date. That screams “I’m a Victim!” and shows that you take no responsibility for what went wrong no matter what the circumstances were. That’s unattractive. If your date were to ask, a simple “We were just going in different directions” or “We just couldn’t work out our differences” will work. Seems vague, but really, that’s all the information he needs at that point.

4.) Sex talk

-If you looking for a hook up buddy, then this may not be a problem. Thing is he’ll be interested in you, but only because at this point you basically guaranteed him the goods by the end of the date. Your mind, dreams, goals, wont mean nada to him because now all he can focus on is getting you undressed. Of course the guy is sexually attracted to you, that’s one of the reasons why he asked you on the date, but don’t talk sex unless those are your plans at the end of the date.

5.)Desire for marriage and children

-You know this person from a few awkward text messages and you already having him think about a wife and kids? I recommend you do that if you’re desperately trying to get out of ever seeing him again because after talking like that, you won’t. There’s plenty of time to talk about a husband and kids later on. Much, much later on.

6.) Mentioning debt/Money in General

– First thing he’s going to think (whether he has money or not) is ‘she looking for a superman’. Everything you say after that will translate into  “I wanna be saaaved” whether that may be true or not. Never ever ever ever never never ever mention money. It sends every type of message except the right one.

These are the main “no-no’s” that will leave you as a sour memory and the horror story topic he’ll tell his homeboys about (they gossip too). Plus who wants to miss out on a potentially good relationship because you choked up and couldn’t find any other way to start your sentence off with except “If we were married…….”. Yeah, me neither. If you didn’t know before now you know, so go out there and get ’em. Ready? BREAK!

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“He says he’s sorry….”

Love doesn’t hurt. Bottom line. Possessive, demeaning, humiliating, jealousy, and isolation are all the start of abusive relationships that could potentially lead to the physical harm, but by no means should anyone stick around and wait for it to progress into that.

I never thought I could find myself in such a destructive position, which is why it took me time to catch on to the  subtle signs. At first it was the

1.) Suspicion.

I had the same on going routine for months and months; work, school, homework, sleep, repeat. Then suddenly when I was busy with one thing  it was a question of if I was cheating. I had to answer at least 15 questions about where I was, who was there, what I did, when I left there and why didn’t I call back while I was leaving before we could continue talking about something else (Or until he ran out of questions to ask).

2.) Possessive and controlling behavior.

He wanted to know who I was talking to at work or school (of the opposite sex). Then he didn’t want me to be around my friends at all. I couldn’t talk to them on the phone, text, or hang out with them. Oh I wouldn’t even DARE to try to go out on a Friday night for a girl’s night. That was asking for trouble.

3.) Mind games.

I never knew someone who could play them so cold. When the mind games failed on me, he would twist my wording or his own to work in his favor with whatever point he attempted to make. That didn’t work either. (I may not be able to remember what day it is, but I can tell you what someone said last month word for word with out missing a syllable). So he did next what he only could do; stay stubborn and keep pressing on with his made-up story.  He thought he could get me to believe everything he said so he had that complete control.

At this point you’re thinking, “Well why didn’t you break up with him?”. Truth is I did, but I made the one mistake that I sure as hell will never make again; thinking a person can change their ways in a matter of weeks. If someone has established a characteristic about them (good or bad) they are not going to change their ways in a matter of weeks. Real and sincere change takes months and years.  I learned that the hard way. Then I became so emotionally attached that it became harder to break up every time.Then it escalated…

4.) Blame Game.

Never wanting to take responsibility for his actions. He called me a whore because didn’t see him enough and he missed me, so he said it out of frustration. He lashed out at me and yelled at me for no reason because he was upset that I didn’t want to move in with him right away. If he physically hurt me it was because I wasn’t being grateful enough for him. Nothing was ever his fault; everything he did wrong was because of what I said or did or didn’t do no matter what it was.

5.) Name Calling.

Calling me a whore, saying I was easy because of my past relationships with previous boyfriends, saying I was a bitch, a slut; the whole shebang. Then constantly asking me about past relationships, wanting to know who I was still in contact with, always trying to catch me in a lie (that I wasn’t telling). It was a complete headache! Know this; if he ever calls you out of your name, then the relationship has gone too far and needs to end immediately. He just displayed his disrespect and lack of value for you so the physical abuse is what it typically turns into next.

 Not leaving at the first sign of something not being right was completely my fault. It’s surprising what you would do when you are actually in a situation oppose to being on the outside looking in. BUT NO EXUSES!!

I was never physically harmed by him, I got out of the relationship before it could ever get to that point, but it was certainly heading that way.

Read the signs below to determine if you are in an abusive relationship. Be honest. Regardless of how you want your relationship to be like, your imagination cannot erase the reality of it. If you can identify with 3 or more of the signs, it is crucial for you to get out. If you do not do something about it, IT WILL ESCALATE. I am going to also write an article on mind control to help identify when someone is playing mind game with you. An abuser’s favorite role is the victim. Sic em out and get free from the bondage! Your life may be depending on it.

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